can · your · hear · me? · are · you · listening?

tuesday was my last high school basketball game. ever. i can honestly say i have never in my life cried more than i did then. someone who didn't know me would have probably thought my mom had died or something. you're probably wondering why i would be that upset over it, but i've spent the last thirteen years of my life loving this game. it seems as if it was over in the blink of an eye. i love basketball, but it was more than just a sport to me. i could take my anger out on the opposing team, i could yell at coach findling and have a legit reason to do so, but most of all i spent this entire year with a group of wonderful girls whom i love more than anything. i have cherished every moment with them, from millions of deep sixes we all hate so much, to saturday nights at the movies getting yelled at by people to shut up; from late practices, to huntsville roadside bathrooms wearing onesies; from sitting in shirelle's driveway until eleven at night, to falling down at half court just because the line was there. i will never forget all the wonderful memories we have made in such a short amount of time. here's to you:

iris--BEE! i tell you this all the time, but you have this amazing talent to make me smile NO MATTER WHAT! you can just look at me and i will instantly laugh, for no reason. you are a great person and i'll never forget your craziness. love you bee!

jesi--NIKI! "you're such a rebel" hahaha just kidding. i'll never forget that time we went swimming in your pool in january on air matresses before practice. gosh that was fun. i know you're gonna do great next year as long as you keep that "baytown lee mentality". love you niki.

lacy--LACE FACE! wow we never really seemed to get along much, because well. i really don't know. but we were there for each other when it counted. good luck next year and show UofH how it's done! oh, and don't torture deanna too much about andy ;D love you!

shirelle--RELLE! wow i can't believe how close we've gotten over the season. you are definitely one of my best friends on and off the team. you know i will always be here for you whether it be for advice, or any of the other stuff i'm not gonna say for the whole world to see. you know what i mean. i love you so much girl!

jessica--G/GONZO!!! wow you are definitely one of the craziest people i have ever met. you always had something interesting to say or do, making me laugh the entire time i was around you. tell whoever you're riding around with next year to lock their doors when you see an animal, because i wouldn't want you jumping out of their car like you did mine ;-D love you!

kaleigh--YONK! omgosh you are so insane and come up with the most random things off the top of your head and had me laughing constantly. you are a great player and are gonna go far with it. love you girl!

jessica--JJ/JV/LIL JACK JACK! omgosh girl wow i dont even know where to begin with you! you're my other best friends on and off the team, and i dont know what i would do without your crazy bipolar self around all the time. we have so many great memories from this past season and i'll never forget them. love you mucho!!!

tacorra--T! you're the whitest black person i've ever met! jk. but for real. hahaha. dominate the boards next year. anytime i hear lindsAy know i'll think of you =] love you tmama!

kaci--KACE! man i was so sad this year when you got hurt because i was mucho excited to be playing with you again, but life happens. good luck next year and don't destroy los compadres too much with toy soldiers!!! hahahahahahaha love you!

kristel--wow well all we did all year was argue, but it happens i guess. just know you have a lot of talent, and you're wasting it because you don't even care. if you ever put your mind to it you could be really good. just start working and you could be unstoppable. don't argue with it, just take it. good luck next year

heather--CHEESE/RIDIN BUDDY! wow we've been through all the range of emotions that could be had this year. best friends..hating each other..not speaking..always talking. hahahaha. sometimes our personalities just clashed, but it was all good in the end. i'll always love you girl!

deanna--TULANE! gosh you're so dumb. hahahah. but it was definitely a good thing for you. you always made me laugh esp. in kaufman. i'll never forget you and i'll def. come back your senior year to see how good you've gotten. i love you!

chelsea--LESBIAN! what are you gonna do next year when i'm not there to stick up for you? hahahaha. you should take my advice sometime on you know what. i haven' t known you for a long time, but i'll always be your tallwhitebestfriend so don't replace me! hahaha. love you girl!

larhonda--PEAKA! hahaha "what's a peaka?" you are so quite but when you do talk you crack me up. you're an awesome player so dont let anyone else ever tell you different. love you!

jesus we're livin for your name. we'll never be ashamed of you. our praise and all we are today TAKE TAKE TAKE IT ALL. TAKE TAKE TAKE IT ALLLLLLL


i don't deserve you Lord. i don't deserve Your forgiveness or Your love or Your mercy or Your grace. i'm sorry i'm so far away. so very far away from where i should be. i know it's not supposed to be like this, Lord. You are so amazing. Your mercy endures forever. i don't deserve you at all, but You are always there for me. always. you know i don't deserve You but You're still always there. thank you. You are amazing.
take it all
so it will just be me and you, Father.

i'm such a loser.

i've been so depressed lately because other people are so happy. does that even make sense?
i guess it all started with my dad constantly asking me who i'm taking to prom. and the only person i even asked not actually ever saying yes, and i'm not even talking to him right now. and randi kay going with zach. and randi kay dating zach. [we have always had a secret crush on that boy since the day his sophomore self first walked into our debate class] and rootbeer going to prom with tulane. [which. not that my parents would have let me. but i did kind of want to to with him. but i never would have said anything. too late now i guess]. and jared miller being short and 26 and not loving me and jessica back [just kidding. kind of]. and seeing people, even ugly people, always holding hands and kissing in the halls.

there must be something wrong with me right? other people being happy should make me happy, shouldn't it?

boys, or lack thereof, have never really made me sad before, until like, this past week.



i'm lame.

it's funny how you find yourself in certain situations.
ok. this one's not funny at all. it actually is really sucky.
i know which decision needs to be made. the right one.
but idk if i want to make the right one.

sheesh.
i wish i were five years old again
&& boys still had cooties

EDIT.
it's not a good sign when you're sick to your stomach and shaking after a phone call, right?
i know its not.
but for some reason ,i don't care.
gosh i'm dumb.
as jessica an brad said about themselves:


I SUCK.

someone, please, kill me now.

love, love, love. love is all you need.

i love the beatles. they speak the truth.
i'm getting their CD for christmas.

so i really don't have anything interesting to say. at all. my life seems so dull lately. i need something to spice it up. anyone??
so i have pretty much all my shopping done. i just need to wrap it. which probably won't happen. i'll have to get my ma to.

hm. so i really don't have anything to say. i just haven't written in a while. so yeah. uhmmm. yeah. peace.

it really sucks when you like a guy, and even if he likes you too, you know it could NEVER work out. ever. whatever. its at least fun to flirt ;)

17 was Brittany's number. it hasn't even been three years yet, but it seems like forever ago that she passed away. it doesn't hurt me to think about it anymore. i smile now when i think of her instead of a tear coming to my eye. she's so lucky, to be in heaven already, that is. i'm kinda jealous of it all.
lately everything has just been so painful. call me emo, i dont care. i'm just ready for it all to be over with so i can be in my Gods kingdom. i find it very rarely, besides saturday night with jj and tacora, that i am truly happy the entire time. its nothing my friends are doing [especially jess. she's the only one that, as she says, keeping me sane. i love her to death. and have no idea how i'd be without her...] i'm pretty sure my family kinda keeps me on edge, but i can't complain. they're great. really. i couldn't ask for more. i sometimes feel like i don't deserve them. but they do get on my nerves, as every single parent does to a child. but they're wonderful.
i am just tired of my life sometimes. of this, that, and the other. i'm just tired of it all. i'm ready to be with my wonderful God.

we lost. we made stupid mistakes. we got *itchy attitudes. and lost.

that word. lose. least favorite word.
i'm sure many of you don't understand. you don't understand that basketball is not just a game to me. it is a passion of mine. i put 100% of me into it, 100% of the time. EVERYTHING in my life revolves around it. Basketball is number one priority, after God of course. and when you fail at something that is your life it really affects you.
we've been so excited because we did great in the scrimmages. we even had people to come and watch us! [after a 6-24 season last year, we weren't used to many fans]. but we failed. we gave up on each other. we gave up on the system that will bring us a championship, and "didn't shoot with a purpose". asldkfja;lskdjf;laskdjfliejfd. you just really can't understand how upset, frustrated, angry, disappointed, ect. just go ahead and insert every negative synonym there.
we will get better; i'm promising this to you and myself at theis very moment. i REFUSE to let that happen again.

it won't

in fact, you may think all my ramblings are stupid or not important. and maybe you're right. but to me, what i have to say is important. my feelings and emotions are on here, and quite frankly if you don't like it, i don't care, and probably dislike you. whew. done with that. now on to the point:

call me!!!

dude, you're kidding me right?


i had just finished my book report [btw brad you can have the book back now] and i heard larry laughing and saying "oh baby". which is typical. i'm surrounded by idiots immature kids in that class. so now larry and trey are laughing, which, again, is nothing new. they're always laughing about something stupid. next thing i know larry, who sits directly behind me, is tapping me on my shoulder. i turn unknowingly and look at eric, who sits diagonal behind me. he nods his head "yes" as if saying its for me, from him. i open up the small piece of paper, and in green writing it says "call me!!!". i started blushing. and turned back around. of course, trey and larry are all over my back trying to see what it says. all i did was keep working on my vocabulary. hahahaha. i felt kind of bad. kind of. was he serious? or just trying to pull a joke on me? either way, why do i even care? wow i read into things entirely too much. negative trait i guess. oh well.
jess said i should have said "stop kidding with me" to see what he woulda said..hahaha. hindsight's 20/20 i guess.
but still;;;WHY DO I CARE? can someone please tell me this? bleh. whatev. i'm sure i'll talk to him tomorrow. i always do. hahahaha. tayler will get a kick out of this.

so i'm kind of ashamed to admit it, but i really like the new justin timberlake song, "my love". shoot me now?

basketball season got off to a good start saturday. it was just a scrimmage, but we pretty much murdered splendora. we're gonna do good this year...knock on wood. we better though. this is my last year of high school basketball. i need to keep working to get to play in college. gah. just thinking about it makes me giggle!

so i was thinking today, about why i have a "crush" on a certain person. needless to say, the list was short. not that he's not an overall great guy, its just..idk. he doesn't appreciate me. at least it seems that way. either way. it doesn't matter. he's a friend. and i'm cool with that. for real. i could talk about this for days. but whatev. i won't bore you.

next weekend is brad and jess' show. i'm excited! she'll do awesome! oh yeah, he'll do alright too. ;-D just kidding.
they'll do great!!!!

i still haven't decided on a ringtone. it takes so long for me to pick. any suggestions anyone??

laden needs to have another show soon. me and jess had fun @ rudy's show, but it wasn't the same. we kept telling each other how much we would rather be watching jared...oh i mean laden. hahahahahaha. jk jk jk! =D

hm. i guess i'll go to bed. have that whold "school" thing tomorrow. almost over with that! kind of sad...yet super happy too!
for realz. off to bed. kaynight.

hm. nothing interesting to say really. i just finished a test in health. i didn't know three of them. oh well. i probably will keep my 99 average.

tomorrow is twin day. me kayla and adreanna might be thing 1,2,3 tomorrow. haha. we'll see.

like i said..i don't really have anything fun or interesting or that has a point, but i was bored. kind of showing adreanna and kayla how this world =]

might right more later. wouldn't count on it.

<33

wait for me--rebecca st. james

Darling did you know that I, I dream about you,
Waiting for the look in your eyes when we meet for the first time
And Darling did you know that I, I pray about you,
Praying that you will hold on
Keep your loving eyes only for me

Chorus:
Because I am waiting for, praying for you, Darling
Wait for me too, wait for me as I wait for you
Because I am waiting for, praying for you, Darling
Wait for me too, wait for me as I wait for you
(Darling wait, Darling Wait)

Darling did you know I dream about life together
Knowing you will be forever.
I'll be yours and you'll be mine.
And Darling when I say, "till death do us part",
I'll mean it with all of my heart, now and always faithful to you

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
Now I know you may have made mistakes,
But there's forgiveness and a second chance.
So wait for me, Darling wait for me, wait for me, wait for me

Repeat Chorus

Wait for me, Darling Wait
Because im waiting for you, Because im waiting for you
So wait for me, Darling wait
Wait for me

i love this song. its been in my head alot lately.
i've been praying for my future husband;; that he'll save himself for me as i do the same for him. it is something that is pretty important to me. i hope he wants the same things, and he is praying for me as well.

i might play basketball for san jac. i know its not D1. but all the same;;college basketball. wow. the wishes i've been making my whole life might actually be able to come true. it just means i'm gonna have to work ten times as hard as i am now to achieve it. if its meant to happen it will.

laden played tonight. awesome as always. God really blessed them with musical ability.
i really felt God tonight. the last time i felt His presence that strongly was at the gathering [i miss april. *tear*]. but i just love worshiping my Lord. He is so amazing. i couldn't even stay on my feet. my God is amazing.

we have our first scrimmage tomorrow. we'll see how that goes.

</3

for some odd reason, my mom decided that she wants to put tile all throughout out house. so that means that the computer in the living room had to be taken offline for a while. which means my wireless internet won't work. which means i have no computer until it's through. bleh. i'm just glad "bess" (for the unknowing, our schools blocking system) hasn't found livejournal a threat yet, like they have myspace...but like i couldn't hack my way into it anyways ;-)

so i'm pretty sick and tired of all the "gizmo's" [mine and jessicas word for people who say they're christians, but lead a secular life) that surround me. completely fed up. i just want them to stop parading around that they are a christian, when those around them can see by their lifestlye they are not. it honestly does make the xcore christians who are trying to witness to these people look hecka bad. its really hard for people to tell between a christian and a non christian anymroe.
darn gizmos.

i've gotten drastically better at basketball within the last two days. thank goodness. i've gotten out of volleyball mode....

write more later. bell ringing.

...and actually do what i'm supposed to do, right! =] its nice actually getting used to bb quick, because i never have before. it takes me a while, and its not until end of season that i'm where i'm supposed to be. so this is a pretty good thing.

i totally lost whatever i was going to say yesterday. guess it wasn't too important. oh well. not like you actually care what i have to say.



wowwwww. emo moment. hahahahah

today was day two of basketball. i'm hecka sore and super rusty on defense...and offense for that matter. i better get back into the swing of things or wooldridge will have my head. the only good thing that has been coming from practice is that it doesn't start till four, so i can go visit jess for an hour each day. i like getting to see her more than just a day a week and on the weekends. darn home school. [just kidding doll] psh. you're probably the only one reading this anyways.

i got a new shelf type thing for my records. its tight. but too tall. i got it to help the black and white accents that i'm going to get when jess redecorates my room. *cough*hint*cough* =]]

i honestly think i should give up on liking him. i mean, i love talking to him and spending time with him, and pretty much everything about him. he's just so different from anyone i've ever "crushed on" [not to sound like a little junior high kid] he's just not the type of guy i've ever found myself liking.
but you can't force someone to care about you, no matter how much you want it. but whatev. i now God has everything planned out. and it'll work out the way He wants it to. besides. being friends is pretty tight too. sigh.

hopefully something fun will happen this weekend. lindsey's having her wedding shower sat. morning. but besides that... nothing yet. hopefully something w/ jess. she pretty much rocks =]] love you hun.

i guess that's all my random, pointless blogging for the night.

The way God looks at relationships

this is from a book and its amazing...

Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to a Christian, says:

"No, not until you are satisified, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, until giving yourself totally to Me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan exisiting, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things, keep experiencing the satisfaction that I Am. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You just wait, that's all. Don't be anxious. Don't look at things you want. You just keep looking off and up to Me or you'll miss what I want to show you. And then when you are ready, I'll suprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of. You see, until you are ready ( I am working even this moment to have both of you ready at the same time,) until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this perfect love. And Dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relation with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am the almighty God. Believe it and be satisfied."

i asked for my christmas present yesterday. all i wanted is permisison to go on a mission trip. andddd. after much debate: I CAN GO!

i'm so excited. i've been praying about it for so long. I knew God would provide the way if i was meant to go. amen.

i went to the movies on my day off yesterday with kimber. other people were supposed to go. but no one came. suckas.

this weekend me and jess are going to brad's birthday party. big 1-8.
is it sad that i know there is 242 days until i turn 18? i don't think so.

anyway. i might more later. if not. oh well.

"A girl should be so hidden in God's heart that a boy has to go there to find her"
jessika gave me that quote. rather, its her headline, and i took it. but same difference.

i know God has some amazing christian guy out there that is perfect for me, and he is going to be as in love with God as i am. and i know right now i'm not meant to be with him..in due time i know. God has a plan for everything that goes on in my life, but sometimes i just wish He could clue me in. i want to meet this wonderful man, if i haven't already. in due time.

wouldn't it be crazy though if i have already met my future husband? i talk to him daily, on the computer or at school, and i not even know what God has in store? i know we'd laugh about it in twenty years.

i think about things like these. the memories we'll make, the good and bad times we'll share. i make the memories up that my future husband and i will share according to the fairy tale in my head. and no, by fairy tale i do not mean the cinderella story. life just doesn't work that way. my fairy tale is meeting the man whom i'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i know it won't be perfect. nothing is. but it will be perfect to us. because we will have each other.

when he proposes i've always imagined him asking me what i'm doing for the rest of my life.

i'm ready when you are, God.

this weekend was pretty awesome as a whole.
we lost our game friday [but hey..whats new?] and afterwards we suprised all the football boys with a little..erm. car decoration =] and then rode around town all night. and i got my car back!!! yay

and saturday was splendid. i slept late. and did nothing all day. then jessica came over and we went and saw a movie, and every single person from dayton was there. & a guy named jordan she had known on myspace, and then met that night. that whole story is crazy. afterwards, we were on our way home and decided to see what brad was up to. so me, jess, brad, and his friends rob and josh hung out in josh's driveway until 1:30 listening to my stereo system and brad playing/singing to us. much fun
and suday was pretty cool too. barlow girl//chris tomlin were AWESOME. i was like. ten feet away from them. but it wasn't just that. i could feel God around me. i was there to worship Him, and it happened. i was singing and dancing and making a fool of my self, but as the song says:
and i'll become even more undignified than this. some may say its foolishness but i'll become even more undignified that thisleave my pride by my side
i didn't care about anyone there but God. it was amazing.
and i met caleb's look a like...i still wanna meet caleb btw. i guess i can wait until thanksgiving..if i have to
i'm grounded from my cell phone for a big reason. but still. my cell phone is my life line. oh well. it happens. i'm finding it hard to be sad about it. because, well i'm not sure why. i'm just so...happy on the inside. even when things are terrible, i can just shake it off, because God has just set my soul as ease. everything i do or say either directly or indirectly relates to Him.
i am so in love with God

and i wouldn't have it any other way<33